WRJ Voices: Vayigash

Eight years ago our child was called to the Torah as a Bat Mitzvah in Israel. As would become our practice with B’nai Mitzvah services, our child chose a spot a little off the beaten track and was called to the Torah first with the Women of the Wall in Jerusalem on Rosh Chodesh, and then, later that week, led the full service for family and friends at the Byzantine synagogue near Ein Gedi. As a congregation of family and friends, we prayed together, we hiked together, and we heard the reading of Vayigash, this week’s parsha. It was a beautiful day, what we thought was the culmination of a journey. In fact, our family’s journey was just beginning.

Vayigash opens with Joseph and his brothers in Egypt. Joseph has just entrapped Benjamin as a thief, and Judah is begging to be taken as a slave in Benjamin’s place. Everyone is shaking in their shoes until Joseph hears Judah’s pleas, and breaks down in front of his brothers, revealing his true self. They “recoiled in fear of him,” but eventually they listen and believe. The brothers return to Canaan to tell Jacob that his son is alive, and “his heart froze.” He does come around in time, and he, too, listens and believes. Joseph brings the whole family to Egypt, and, surprisingly, Jacob and Pharaoh bridge their differences through their gateway of their shared love and respect for Joseph. Pharaoh asks personal questions to get to know Jacob, and Jacob blesses Pharaoh.

In Vayigash, there are tremendous political, economic and personal pressures. People are starving, and it isn’t getting any better. A child is threatened with servitude and separation from his family. Mass migration is necessary for safety and survival. But, in the midst of this chaos, people take the time to listen and believe, and in the end a family is reconnected. People who were at such odds that they did not see or speak with each other for decades addressed their fears and started listening to each other, and truly seeing each other, perhaps for the first time. Judah’s defense of Benjamin and self-sacrifice convinces Joseph that his brothers have changed. Joseph’s yearning to see his father bubbles to the surface and overwhelms him, breaking down his defenses. Over and over, people are presented with facts that shake their understanding of the world. They have to adjust on the fly, first to accept that the facts that are being presented are true, and then to integrate these new truths into their worldview.  

In our family, just one year ago that same child was called to Torah again at the Egalitarian Section of the Western Wall. This time as a proud Bar Mitzvah under his new name, James. It has not always been an easy journey for our family, but we never shied away from taking the journey together. We had to learn to hear each other’s truths, to listen to each other’s concerns. There was so much we didn’t know, and so many times that we had to decide to listen and believe. Each of us had to process the changed reality in our own way before we really could address it together as a family. James led us through that process, even as he moved along the pathway of his own transition. Like Joseph’s brothers, we felt fear. Like Joseph, we learned to respect each other’s growth and changes. There were times that hearts closed temporarily as we processed and considered, and we had to work hard to have compassion for each other even when there was anger, frustration, and discontent. Like Pharaoh and Jacob, we had to bridge language and cultural gulfs and share personal information to reach the point where we could bless each other.

In today’s world, people bemoan how difficult dialogue can be. We struggle to hear the perspectives of, and find common ground with, people who think differently than we do. But the model in Vayigash is one of imperfect people, frightened people, and deeply distressed people who nonetheless make the effort needed to listen and believe. The brothers in Vayigash have committed terrible crimes against each other, and even started down the path of vengeance, but then, despite their fears, they make the unexpected decision to take that deep breath, to listen to each other and then to forgive each other and themselves. They accept the possibility that the people they thought they knew could change so comprehensively for the better, and the possibility of common ground between people as different as Jacob and Pharaoh.  

In our family, we have learned to honor each other’s truths, to respect our differences, and to hear each other. I hope that because we have worked at exercising those skills with each other, we have all become better at doing so not just within our family, but in our interactions with others as well. Revisiting Vayigash for this drash eight years later, I marvel at the journey we have taken, and wonder just a little at how relevant the lessons of Vayigash have become in all of our lives.

Shoshana Dweck is a member of the North American Board of Women of Reform Judaism. Among other positions, she is national chair of the New York Says Thank You Foundation, serves on the URJ’s Israel and Reform Zionism Committee (IRZC), is a member of the ARZA slate for the World Zionist Congress, and recently joined the new Advisory Council of the Jewish Agency for Israel North American Council (JAFINA).