Voices of WRJ: Parashat Korach

In this week’s parashah, Korach, Moses’s cousin, and his followers lead a rebellion against the leadership of Moses and Aaron. God punishes the rebels by burying them and their families alive. The people blame Moses and Aaron for bringing death to the rebels. Once again, God brings a plague on the people and so the chief of each tribe deposits his staff inside the Tent of Meeting. Aaron’s staff brings forth sprouts, produces blossoms, and bears almonds. The Kohanim and Levites are established and assigned the responsibility of managing the donations to the Sanctuary. This is the third time that I have delved into the story of Korach and this time, I found different meaning about how to handle conflicts and reach a consensus that works for all. The first time I studied this parashah was when I became a Bat Mitzvah as an adult and the second was just last year, when I wrote for Voices of WRJ about this portion. I commented last year on how the span of time between my Bat Mitzvah and 2013 had influenced my reading of the text and which verses really spoke to me. And now, just one year later, I find new meaning in the text. As it says in Pirkei Avot, "Turn it, and turn it, for everything is in it. Reflect on it and grow old and gray with it”. How would you handle the kind of rebellion against your leadership that Moses faced? When I first read this portion oh so many years ago at my Bat Mitzvah, I honed in on rebellion and punishment. I spoke of leadership in terms of parenting, and how parents need to keep the allusion of control at all times. I said that the rebellious Israelites deserved punishment as a sign to all who would follow that God was not to be trifled with, and neither were parents. Now, I look at that d’var torah and chuckle about how naïve I was at the time. Long after my own children moved to other parts of the country, my stepson moved into our home. He is a young adult who struggles with anger management, depression, and defiance issues. He has Asperger’s Syndrome and other developmental issues. Taking the approach that I so ardently supported 15 years ago clearly does not work with my stepson. It only pushes him further away, down that downward spiral which leads nowhere. So, I sought help and found it in "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when Stakes are High," co-authored by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan & Switzler. While this book was written primarily for the business world, I think you can apply these principals to all areas of our lives, including our sisterhood lives. In this book, the authors write about how to have the crucial conversations in our lives and offer concrete suggestions for respectfully and honorably having those conversations. First, a definition of crucial conversations: “A discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong and the outcome greatly impacts their lives.” That applies to a whole lot of conversations, doesn’t it! I would suggest that each of us has avoided a conversation with someone because we were afraid. I would also suggest that it is time to stop avoiding the crucial conversations in our lives. Here are some gems from the book:

• First, these conversations must take place face-to-face if possible–certainly not by email.
• Establish a mutual purpose, whether it is that both of you want the sisterhood to have a balanced budget or that both of you want to have clean dishes.
• Establish mutual respect. It is always possible to find a way to respect another’s basic humanity. Respect doesn’t mean acceptance or agreement with other’s behavior. If emotions run high, step away and come back to the conversation later.
• Acknowledge your role in the situation. Listen carefully and find something that the other person says that you can agree with. Then build on that to come to a mutual agreement and conclusion.

I recognize that I am asking you to take a risk: to have face-to-face conversations, which can be uncomfortable. However, how can we resolve our differences and move forward if we do not take that risk? Like the conflict between Moses and his cousin Korach, conflict in families and in sisterhoods can be painful and difficult. We have a choice in how we approach those conflicts. We can be angry and punitive, or we can take a step back, breathe, and have a conversation that will ultimately lead us to a better understanding of ourselves and others. On this Shabbat, I pray that we recognize that having those crucial conversations, putting ourselves out there, taking that risk, is the right thing to do, for ourselves and those we love.